The events in this story are actual. Names are changed to protect those involved. Before I jump right into this, I would like to paint a picture and set the tone of my experience.
I recently moved to a small midwestern town, approximately 45 minutes outside the closest metropolitan area. It is a lovely place. I have nice-enough neighbors, and we are just getting settled into our new home. We are relatively personable and often venture out on walks with our dogs in hopes of learning a little more about the community and others living nearby. People are friendly. We get smiles from some while others stop to chat. Even though we were skeptical of moving so far out, we had become increasingly more comfortable with our decision. I stumbled across an app where I could connect with neighbors and join community discussions and groups. To register, you have to prove that you reside in the community. Count me in!
Cycling, check! Gardening tips, check! Basketball, check! (don’t judge my interests!)
I became fascinated with the discussions and posts and tried to remember names and faces that I may potentially see out and about. It seemed so great. After only a couple of weeks, I made my first post. Someone had dumped a large owl lamp on the corner of my property, and I wanted to know if that was commonplace in the area. It turns out that a lucky couple won the lamp at a white elephant party the night before and weren’t very impressed with their prize. Nevertheless, it turned out to be a funny post where everyone began sharing their worst white elephant winnings. I felt a great sense of connectivity and acceptance with the community.
You are most likely asking, “but what does all of this have to do with anything?” Well done, you picked a perfect time to ask because I am transitioning into how quickly this sense of connectivity to the community came crashing down. Shortly after that experience, I began paying closer attention to the undertone of certain people’s comments or replies in several discussion threads. I wrote it off, “Eh, it is just a few grumps trying to spoil the fun for the rest of us.” I would see people out, and it was always a friendly and pleasant experience. But then, I would check in on my neighborhood app, and I noticed more and more negativity of people posting, commenting, and responding. It felt toxic at times. It was such a stark contrast between the experiences of seeing people in person versus interacting with some of the same people online.
One morning while making a nice cup of coffee, I happened to get a notification of a woman (let’s call her Mary) posting about her garage door suddenly opening at 4 am, and her family was terrified once they realized it. They called the police although nothing was missing. Everything seemed to be in place. But the garage door opened while they were sleeping. I read the first couple of comments that came in, and they seemed to have nailed it. Occasionally frequencies can get crossed, or someone nearby has the same frequency settings. It would be a simple fix and reset to prevent it from happening again. Boom! I even thought about my garage door and how to change these settings.
Then, other comments started to come in.
“So glad that someone didn’t rob you. That is so scary!” And others, “Stay vigilant and keep an eye out for each other.” And a couple of others, “Get a security camera if you don’t already have one.” I thought, OK, yes, we can all agree with that. It was about this time that I stopped mid-sip. Mary, who made the original post, added a new comment stating that the police told her husband that people were coming in from the city and stealing cars and breaking into people’s homes. Another guy (Let’s call him Steve) chimes in and states, “all of the crime around town is coming from the city! We need to do something about this!” As previously mentioned, we are about 45 minutes outside of the nearest metropolitan area, and the city in this context refers to non-white people. And when I thought it couldn’t get any more absurd, I saw the mother of all comments. “Gangs are coming up from Arizona. They have these devices that match the frequency of garage doors, and if you are in there when they open it, they will kidnap you for a ransom.”
Maybe I happened to make a surprisingly strong cup of coffee that particular morning, but it was at this moment that I decided that I needed to interject. I am not generally the responding type, but I thought it might be good to dish a serving of common sense into the thread.
“Hey everyone, I get being safe and protective, but it seems like there is a lot of overreaction and fear-mongering happening in this discussion. Maybe we shouldn’t be blaming people in the city for a crime never committed.”
I felt solid, almost like a superhero. I gave myself a friendly pat on the back and congratulated myself on saving others from further embarrassment.
I barely had time to take a congratulatory sip of lukewarm coffee when I received a notification that someone had responded to my message. I was shocked yet excited to read the praise about to be bestowed upon me. But, to my ultimate surprise, I was not receiving recognition at all. It was quite the opposite. Mary challenged my recommendation to dial back the accusatory undertone that had taken over the comments and stated that I have no right to question the safety of their family. Steve also doubled down and posted, “It IS black people coming from the city and committing crime in our area!”
I started to go back and forth with Steve, and he began directly attacking me, calling me a troll and an antagonizer. He then fired another response and told people I always try to bait people into asinine conversations. He also told me to look at all of the posts where black people were caught on ring cameras committing crimes (which was a false statement). We had several exchanges in the comments, and I quickly realized that I was starting to embarrass myself like he was.
“Don’t wrestle with pigs. You both get filthy and the pig likes it.”
– Mark Twain
Now let me skip to the point of this post. Even though I was trying to be logical and bring the conversation back to center, more and more people were joining in on our back and forth. It quickly became very messy. Who is this guy, and why is he so hell-bent on attacking me directly? As I mentioned before, this is an app where you have to be verified to have an account for your specific neighborhood. Yet, I have his name, see his entire family in his profile photo, and even know that he lives nearby. Even worse, he owns the business listed on his profile as a direct client-broker for a mid-sized insurance firm. I am perplexed and shocked that a verified person, who owns a client-facing business in the local area, would go on such a nasty and unfounded racist rant.
I now have a decent picture of who I am dealing with, or so I thought. I went back into the chat, and wouldn’t you know it; Steve deleted all of his contributions and responses in the discussion thread. Although he quickly removed the evidence, it was too late. Too many people saw the slanderous comments made and were calling him out. He ducked out of the conversation, never to return.
What makes a person feel so comfortable saying such reckless things behind a screen and keyboard? We don’t generally experience these interactions out and about in a face-to-face setting. It is so shocking that people will risk their career, reputation, or standing in the community to go on an off-colored rant that everyone will see and share.
My Takeaway
This story is real and was an opportunity for me to reflect on how to interact and engage on all social media platforms. Take a moment to consider what you post, especially when there is an emotional trigger. It is easy to forget that real people are on the other side of the send button. Take a moment to pause if emotions are running high. Then, ask yourself, does this need to be said?
However you decide to interact online, consider your image and how others may perceive you. Perception is often reality, and we can all appreciate living in a much more peaceful virtual world. #PostResponsibly
Contributed by J. Michael Warne
